The Sun Always Shines After the Rain

I've had a bad day. All around.

But after coming home and watching this update on Travis Mills's recovery, I feel somewhat ashamed at what I label or classify as a "bad day." He actually writes off  losing all his limbs as his "bad day" or having a "case of the Mondays." He is such a true inspiration-- words cannot really describe how amazing I think he is. And I have no doubt, as he mentions in the interview, that he will help and continue to serve others through teaching and/or motivational speaking.

So, be like me... and bookmark that video. That way, when I (or you) have a bad day... we can be smacked back in to perspective.

And although it's nearly the end of the day, I came home from work beyond determined to find a cure for the "badness" that ensued today. So, in addition to watching that above-mentioned clip, I decided to go against my normal, post-work routine and surround myself with All That is Drew. 

We all have our rituals during deployment. Ask any military spouse-- they will probably be able to share quite a few things he/she does daily during a deployment. Call us superstitious if you'd like, but I like to see it as holding on to the very special thoughts, items, and processes that help us get through every single day our loved ones are in harm's way.

With that being said...until today, only my close friends were aware that I haven't slept in our master bedroom since the week Drew deployed. I've almost treated it like a museum... wanting to keep everything the way Drew left it. Preserving All That is Drew. The blue jeans he wore the day before he deployed are still lying on the bathroom floor, with the belt still in the belt loops. His loose change is still sitting around on the nightstand. His hand-written, pre-deployment packing lists are still on the sink in the bathroom. Everything is pretty much as if he'll be home any minute... to carry on our lives together.

I've even informed him that I refuse to wash his very full basket of laundry until I know he is en route home safely. (Nothing has smelled too badly... yet!)

So, tonight... while I was hanging out in our room with high hopes that Drew's presence would cheer me up, I opened his night stand drawer.

I found a little notebook that I gave him in August 2009-- right before he deployed to Afghanistan the last time. I hand-picked and hand-wrote pages and pages and pages of my favorite quotes-- quotes that I thought would help him get through his days (good or bad!) I also wrote him a letter-- encouraging him to write in a journal while he was gone.

But what really made me just laugh, smile, and cry the most was the 2 pages I labeled as:

"20 Things I Love About You"

1. Your panda bear eyes
2. The way you get your shower sponge all sudsy
3. How you think you're the "Alpha Male" around all dogs
4. The "musky" smell of your car. --> (Now my car!)
5. The way you look in New Balance tennis shoes
6. Your monkey ears
7. Your "Mr. Rilllleeeeyyyy" voice --> (that's our dog!)
8. The way you say 'member instead of "remember"
9. How you look in your uniform
10. Your smile (small teeth!)
11. The fact that you don't snore
12. The way you make the bed and fold clothes
13. Your left handedness
14. Your hands
15. Your "trademark pose" in pictures
16. The scar on the back of your head
17. Your handwriting
18. How well you chop veggies when we cook
19. Your snuggles, even when you annoy me --> (I like my personal space. :) )
20. Your love, patience, kindness, support, and companionship... to me.

I feel so much comfort knowing that ALL 20 of those items still hold true... nearly 3 years later. If you know Drew, you will understand and appreciate most of these. And if you don't know Drew-- just know that this very small moment in my day... turned it from Bad to Good.

I know you can find your "moment" too. And as I always encourage and say with any advice that I give...

... Find It... and Go There.
  

Adventure Is Just Bad Planning

I've always been a planner.

Planning my day through checklists and benchmarks; planning my weekend with friends; planning dinner parties, theme parties, and house parties; planning my future career and planning my future family. Planning, planning, planning.

Becoming an Army Wife was not part of my plan.

I went through my Life envisioning my future (as we all do.) I graduated high school with honors, graduated from the University of Georgia with a business degree and a dream, and then graduated from grad school with an MBA... and a bigger dream. My Life was on track-- on my plan...

...Until 4 years ago this weekend.

As everyone knows, today is Memorial Day. A weekend in which I usually take an extra day off work and head to the beach, the lake, or a backyard with a pool. It marks the beginning of summer. It's always been one of my favorite weekends... probably because of the fun memories that I've experienced over this long, holiday weekend.

I'm slightly embarrassed that Memorial Day weekend didn't hold more meaning to me than the BBQ, beer, and bronzing that I experienced... until 4 years ago.

I never would have imagined that I'd become part of an exclusive club the One Percent and become humbled by Memorial Day... and every day on the calendar for that matter... until 4 years ago.

And I definitely would have never imagined that I'd spend Memorial Day experiencing anxiety and worry from a weekend full of deployment "Missions" and "Communication Blackouts"... until 4 years ago.

4 years ago this weekend, I was en route to Panama City Beach, FL. A weekend of fun in the sun was in store for me, as it usually was Memorial Day weekend. Upon our arrival to the beach, my sister Paula and her friend Cassie convinced me that we needed to have a night on the town. I was tired after a full day of work and a 4.5 hour drive, but for some reason, I found the energy to join them.

We randomly met a group of guys at a local bar. We ended up hanging out with them for the next 5 days, which in turn, became one of the most memorable weekends of my Life...

...4 years ago is when I met my husband.

4 years ago is when my Life changed forever... and when my Plan was thrown out the window.

I think back to that weekend a lot. I think about the Sunday on the beach, when our newly formed group of friends was enjoying the surf and sand, but my future husband was no where to be seen. When I asked one of the other guys where Drew snuck off to, he stated that he needed some time alone... to think and reflect. I didn't really "get it" back then. But Drew went to think and pray for some of his friends he had lost during his 15-month deployment to Iraq... just a few months earlier.

Drew was celebrating Memorial Day... the right way. (And when he returned to the group after some time away, he came back with flowers for us girls to wear behind our ears.) :)

And now, 4 years later, my Life is so different.

I'm so honored, appreciative, and grateful for what I have. I'm so proud that I now "get" what Memorial Day is all about. I'm so humbled by those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.

And sure, my Memorial Day weekends from here on out will still consist of the beach, backyard, or BBQs with friends and family. But, I can... and will... silently reflect on the true meaning of the holiday.

And no matter what your plans are, or where Life takes you... I hope you will do the same.

Strength Training 101

Back when I was young, my sisters and I seemed to roam the streets day in and day out. Whether we were riding our bikes, playing roller hockey, basketball, or four square...or driving in our go-cart or jumping on the trampoline, we seemed to grow up strong-- with thick skin. And I, particularly, seemed to be able to handle "rough and tough." Whether I was falling out of a tire swing 20 feet in the air, crashing off my bike on a sleep hill, or getting pushed over by a neighborhood boy while rollerblading... I seemed to be able to get right back up and keep on going. (My sister, Susan, will still blame my clumsiness on my left handedness.) And I've got lots of scars to prove all the "fun" I had. But regardless of my faulty attributes, I always claimed to be a "strong" girl. As I continued to age and mature, I still found myself hanging with the guys-- holding my own. Physically or mentally, I was always up for a challenge-- with quite the mouth that wasn't afraid to stand up, speak out, and show how "strong" I was.

And now, I realize... I didn't know what Strong was until this year. I've hit new lows (and thankfully new highs, too) that I never thought I'd encounter. I can confidently say that I've experienced every emotion possible in the last few months:

Worry. Anger. Fear. Dread. Sadness. Happiness. Relief. Excitement.

And there are just a few people out there that know the extent of my last few months. For about 3 weeks time, I wondered what I did to deserve such bad news. Such heartache. Such disappointment. It's hard not to get mad and question everything in your Life when you keep getting thrown curve balls-- curve balls with spikes and spines! Ouch!

Details aren't necessary.

But what is necessary is the fact that I discovered the Strength to get through it all.  And no matter who you are, or what you're going through, you can too.

And since it's been nearly 4 weeks since my last blog entry, I figured tonight couldn't be more perfect to write... again. After all, Drew just finalized his re-enlistment today.  Many have asked me today, "What?! WHY would he do that!?" And I just smile. Sure, he may have sold his soul to Uncle Sam for yet another 6 years (8 years down!), but I couldn't be more proud of his Strength to do so. Think about it: Only a small portion of our One Percent choose to make the Army their career and commit their lives-- and their families' lives-- to the Military.

But let's face it-- One Percent or not, Life is hard. Crisis will enter in our work, our relationships, our finances, or just our day to day struggles. But despite it all, we all will find the Strength. The Courage. The Motivation... to get through it all.

But, how?

Well, that's a great question. And while we're all different people, with different personalities, and different problems, we can all make sure we have the following locked and loaded in our arsenals:

• Your Faith. No matter what or who you believe in--turn to it. And Believe.
• Your Family. Blood or not, make sure your support system is on call 24-7.
• Your Friends. Whether they deliver ice cream or take you to the gym (maybe after the ice cream?)-- use them to keep busy and maintain your normal, everyday Life.
• Your Fortune. And I don't mean your monetary wealth. Remember all the good that is still in your Life and be continually grateful for it....

And you just have to remember:

It. Will. Get. Better. No. Matter. What.

So, who knows. Maybe those days in the "streets" did help me become a Strong person. But whether they did or didn't, I've come a long way... and I'm proud of how Strong I've become...

And I bet that I can still play a mean game of four-square...

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn."

Sail Away With Me, Honey...

It's Thursday night, and I don't quite have the strength to post an all-inclusive blog about my insanely crazy week. Not yet anyways. But I'm sure the strength will come with time.

But I do want to briefly write about Nostalgia. And the power that lies within the sights, smells, and sounds of our memory. The images that can take us back to a place we yearn for. The mental images that can be more powerful than any photograph or video can do justice.

Out of nowhere this week, a song popped in my head. I do consider it one of my all-time favorites, no matter what new music enters my Life. I do have it on my mega-list-of-songs on my iPod. But I hadn't heard it in quite some time. Until tonight.

I had thought about it multiple times this week, but I just hadn't taken the time to play it. To listen to it. To remember the power it holds for me.

But I asked myself: Why did the song pop in my head this week?

And now I know. After the week that it's been, I now know that my subconscious was trying to take my back to a happier place.

A place that will always mean more to me than any other physical place on this planet. A place where I have the most positive memories in my life. And most importantly, a place where I met the Love of my Life.

The Beach is that place for me. The Coast. The Ocean. The Shoreline. Heaven on Earth.

My mind takes me there more than any other place. Too bad my mind can't rack up frequent flyer miles.

I've spent many years-- many springs, many summers, and even Chrstimas at the Beach. I could sit here and fill this blog with many images-- many pictures-- of my favorite beach memories. But what I want to focus on is how powerful one's mind can be, especially in a time of stress.

And this week, my mind did exactly that when it was thinking of this song. It did exactly that to bring me closer to Drew.

And I must admit that Drew believes in more things than I do. He has more dreams and more goals than I do. I, sometimes, limit myself too much with reality.

And now in his absence, I'm starting to realize how powerful his thoughts and beliefs are. How I need his positive thinking-- his dreams-- when I'm struggling through Life.

And this week... his Dream entered my subconscious with this song. And if you know him well enough, you know his Dream:

He would love to get a sailboat...live a meager, yet satisfying, life, and sail those waters that mean so much to both of us. And even though I'm crying as I type this, I'm laughing too. Because again... if you know him well enough, you've heard his sales pitch: "I'll fish; you (Linda) can cook potatoes. Riley (our dog) would love the boat... and so would our babies." And then, if you were in that taxi cab with us on the way to the Atlanta Braves game a few years ago, you would have shared our laughter when a wee-bit-intoxicated-Drew claimed he wanted to live "under the sea." Just like SpongeBob. :)

So there you have it, my friends. Nostalgia is a powerful thing. Find your happy place... and go there.

  

Sunday Share: 4/15/12

It's been exactly 112 days since the last time I've seen my family. In all of my (soon to be) 29 years of living, that's the longest I've ever gone without blessing my family with my presence.

And I miss them. I miss "home." Even though I'm approaching 2 years living at Fort Bragg, it's taken me a while for me this realize that home really is where the heart is. And I guess, after much denial, I've realized... I'm home.

I spent a lot of today reflecting... as I always do on Sundays. And my theme for tonight's Sunday Share fell into place without having to look very far. After this week's series of events, I'm starting to realize something else more and more. And I've always known it-- I just haven't had to quite utilize it, (and REALLY appreciate it), until this week:

Friends are relatives you make for yourself. ~ Eustaches Deschamps

So, despite my absence from my blood family these last few months, I've never felt more loved. More complete. More part of a Family.

And I have some proof-- some evidence-- of how amazing these people really are.

Upon awaking from my much needed nap this afternoon, I found that I had not one. Not two. But three text messages from three friends. All supportive, encouraging, and full of love.

I found this one too good not to share:

11:13am
I am sitting on my back deck reflecting, and I just wanted you to know that I think you are an absolute beautiful person both in and out! I hope you have a wonderful day!

Amazing. And I wondered what I could have possibly done to deserve such loving words.


Then, a few hours later, I turned to Facebook and saw two more amazing items that a friend posted:

Here is an incredible photo taken from my army wife friend's husband's platoon. One of their platoon's soldiers was severely injured and yesterday was his 25th birthday. Last night I got to hang out with some of these amazing ladies, toast to our heroes, and recreate our own supportive photo, and really feel lucky enough to share what being Army strong is all about.

Now, how powerful is that!?

And, the same friend, references the very same thoughts in her blog. And she finishes it up with the perfect catch phrase: "There's strong, and then there's Army Strong. This is what ArmyStrong is all about."

These are just a few examples of how powerful, rewarding, supportive, compassionate, caring, loving, and amazingly awesome my friends family is.

And that, my friends, is what I want to briefly talk to you about this evening.

We are all human beings. We all crave love and affection. And in the absence of our blood family, I think having a support system of friends-- true friends-- is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

So, not matter who you are-- military or not-- works towards this. Find your home... no matter where you live physically. Make sure you surround yourself with friends that will build you up and support you, no matter how weak of a foundation you have. Start small. One person can make the difference in your life. And remember: Family isn't just about blood and shared chromosomes-- it's bigger, wider, deeper than that.


And lastly, I want to share our Family Photo from yesterday. I know I usually don't post pictures on my blog, but when you have an amazing family like I do... it's hard not to "Bragg."

Slow Ride... Take It Easy...

Today is Friday, the 13th.
And today is also one of the first days that I've had Writer's Blogger's Block. Don't get me wrong-- my mind has been FILLED with thoughts, emotions, ideas, advice, quotes, and lessons. But nothing felt quite write right to share. Until tonight.

As much of a nutcase that I can be on some days, (I'm sure Stacy, Tori, Crystal, and many others would agree to this statement), I'm actually quite the rational person. And when it comes to my blog, I want it to feel right before I put pen to paper-- or, finger to keyboard.

I could have blogged about how nervous I was on Tuesday. It had been quite a few days since I had heard from Drew, and I just knew something didn't feel right.

I could have blogged about how I was up most of the early hours of Wednesday, after finding out about an unfortunate series of events that left 3 of Drew's platoon mates, (Ryan Theriot, Brandon Fessey, and Travis Mills), seriously injured-- with Travis suffering the worst of the injuries and losing all of his limbs from stepping on an IED in Afghanistan.

I could have blogged about how I spent all of Wednesday, home from work, trying to reason and understand and accept how something so horrid could happen to someone I know. And how my heart ached beyond belief for his wife, his 4 month old baby, their families... and our other soldiers who were there.

I could have blogged about how I went back to work on Thursday, still heavily distracted, depressed, and worried for all those involved. Or I could have mentioned that, despite the circumstances, we do not and will not have control over such situations, and we must push through the obstacles and stay strong for our soldiers and for those that need our support.

But I do need to take a moment to thank and recognize my friends and family, colleagues, and support system-- for their love and compassion. Because, although we may never truly understand how it feels to be those families of Ryan, Brandon, and Travis, we do mourn and empathize with them. Wholeheartedly.

So, that brings us to today: Friday the 13th.

I was damned determined to make it a good day. Yes, I find myself superstitious at times, but I was going to make conscious effort to ensure my day was happy, worry-free, and as normal as possible. And it was today, when my mind slowed down a bit, and I finally realized after the most-mega-rollercoaster-ride of a week... what I would blog about.

But before we get started, let's talk about Fayetteville.

Ahhhh, lovely Fayetteville, NC. You gotta love it. Award winning All-American City. It's close to the beach; it's close to the city; it's close to the mountains. It's home to the largest Army Installation in the world-- Fort Bragg.

It's also home to me, Linda Mills, the most annoyed Fayettevillian (I have no idea if that is even a word). And I am the most annoyed person in town thanks to the potpourri of citizens that call Fayetteville home. And with their lovely presence comes their lovely driving skills. Or lack thereof.

Every day, I drive down All American Expressway and Cliffdale Road on my way to work. Yes, I'm usually running a few minutes late. Yes, I like to get to where I'm going and wouldn't consider myself a slow driver... but holy moly!, I've never experienced such bad, FAST drivers in my life.

And it blows my mind. These people want to drive 80 in a 45 and rush to the next red light less than a quarter mile away. That's even if they can SEE that the light is red. And if they do, it doesn't matter to them. It's green in their world...

So after me really wanting to survive Friday the 13th, I slowed down more than I usually do and started my thinking...

 People really need to slow down... not just on the roads, but in Life in general.

Everyone's in such a rush to get through the day, and they seem to move through Life only with their agenda on mind. We're rather selfish creatures if you ask me.

And it's not until after a loss, a tragedy, or a life-changing event that people really realize how grateful they truly should be or realize how wonderful something or someone was until it's too late.

And, lately for me, I feel like an outsider looking in. I try to appreciate everyone and everything in my life during this deployment. And as high strung, Type A, nutso that I am... I really have been trying to make a conscious effort to slow down.

So, now I'd like to share a story about part of my day today:

I was coming back into Fayetteville after taking a trip out to Raeford for some work obligations. After surviving the journey on the autobahn I like to call the "401 Bypass to Hell," I stopped in Wal-Mart over my lunch break. While browsing the greeting card section to find some cards of encouragement to send to those above-mentioned families, I looked up and was extremely startled by a gentleman that approached me.

He was an older man. With very inquisitive eyes. He was standing a little too close for my comfort. My first and only instinct was "Fight of Flight?!" I immediately chose Flight, of course, but was stopped in my tracks for some strange reason. We stared at each other for what felt like a lifetime.

I really don't know what motivated me to actually slow down, stop, and appease this gentleman. I feel like the "old" Linda would have brushed him off and ran down the next conveniently located greeting card aisle. But I didn't. I let myself process his presence, despite what felt to be an awkward eternity.

I never caught his name, but he basically wanted me to help him choose the "right" cards for many occasions: His wife's best friend's birthday, which was belated (April 1); his anniversary; Mother's Day; and the death of a cousin.

His wife had just had cancer removed for the 2nd time. She missed her best friend's birthday. She insisted that her husband NOT pick out a belated birthday card because that "just wasn't right." She wanted him to pick out a card about friendship. Then he wanted to pick out a perfect card for his wife for their anniversary and for Mother's day. At this time, he proceeded to tell me his life story about how he and his wife met:

They were in 9th grade. Friends which later developed into more. Upon graduation from high school, he joined the Navy and they went their separate ways. She married a man, a Colonel, who was abusive. I don't know if they divorced or he died, but my new friend and his long-lost love were reunited at their 35th High School Reunion in South Carolina. He exclaimed that it took him 4 more years of talking every day on the phone for him to convince her to marry him.

Now they're married. And she's apologizing for the Cancer. He shook his head at the thought of her ridiculousness.  

I spent upwards of 15 minutes with this gentleman. And at the end of the conversation, his attention turned to me for the 1st time. We started talking about the reason I was there. And what cards I was buying. I gave him a one-sentence run down of what happened.

He bowed down a bit... and thanked me.

He disclosed that he felt I had one of the hardest jobs in the world. He said that he went to Vietnam twice, and it was no concern to him until his little brother went. He said, "when we're over there, us guys know that we just need to get our butts back home. But it's you wives that have to worry about us and everyone else."

We talked for a few more minutes about the military and how proud we both are.

And now I know why I didn't use my "flight" instinct. I knew God presented him to me for a reason. He wanted me to slow down and listen to this man's story-- a story that would uplift me and make me feel gracious. And to remind me of what I had been saying all week to many others-- about the roles the families play; about the War the the families fight back home. My life; my week-- was coming full circle. 

And to wrap up my Friday the 13th, I had the honor and privilege to speak with Tom Sileo, with The Unknown Soldiers. I got to tell my story; Drew's story; our story. I got to represent the One Percent in the most wonderful of ways. Tom plans to use my words-- my experiences-- my opinions and emotions-- my passion and pride of the U.S. Army-- and share them with the rest of the world in his nationally syndicated newspaper column.

Now, how cool is that?!

So, I allowed myself a lot of time tonight to digest this week's events-- good and bad. And it hit me...

...And it's rather simple:

Slow down. Enjoy Life. Appreciate Life. And, as we say in the South: Be Blessed.

Sunday Share: 4/8/12

Happy Easter Sunday, Everyone!

I've had yet another reflective, mind-stimulating Sunday. I've started to notice a trend:

Sundays seem to be the day I miss Drew the most. I'm not sure if it's just the normal "Sunday Blues" amplified or the fact that I find myself lost in my Solitude-- being more reflective on Sundays.

Well, whatever the reason, I've come to find out that the metaphor of "Life is a rollercoaster ride" seems to prove true all week, with the grand finale taking place on Sundays.

So let's start at the beginning, in order to give the best insight of how and why I'm here tonight:

I woke up late today, thanks to some night-time cold medicine. I was groggy, hazy, and rather congested... which aggravated me. My very first, instinctual action every morning is to look at my phone to see if Drew has e-mailed/Facebooked/or called while I was sleeping.

My phone showed nothing. Not even the daily Groupon email. (My half off hydro-massage offer came just a few moments later, though.)

Anyways, after a quick check of my daily websites and a browse of my Facebook newsfeed, (which lacked any "activity" from all our Soldiers), I came to my conclusion, which is only a "hunch," but has deemed to be true most days:

Damn it. They're on another Blackout.

Those in the Ninety-Nine Percent might be wondering: What is a Blackout?

Well, a Blackout is when the Soldiers aren't allowed to communicate with anyone. No emails. No phone calls. No Facebook. It means someone has been injured or killed and communication is banned until the Next of Kin is notified of those affected.

And this deployment has already been a nightmare. It feels like we go only a few days before another Blackout is activated. And while Drew and I have a very, VERY strict "Don't Ask; Don't Tell" relationship about deployments, I'm not dumb. I'm observant and can figure it out. They're seeing a lot of action. They're involved in a lot of dangerous missions. It definitely ain't a walk in the park.

And I'm not divulging this information to have people worry. Or feel sorry for me. I'm just trying to set-up tonight's theme for the Sunday Share. So, without further ado....

What is your Fear?

And how do you overcome it?

But you know me, I must provide a little more back story before diving in any deeper. Of how and why I came to theme tonight's post about Fear. And how to overcome it.

So, as we've already stated: It's Easter. A holiday in which we spend with friends and family. I definitely had my fair share of Solitude this weekend. I didn't even leave Fort Bragg. I didn't interact with anyone in person except for at the gym or in the grocery store. Major Solitude. Hell, who am I kidding. I was down right lonely this weekend. But I did everything possible to keep myself busy: Cooked, shopped, worked out, cleaned, read many books, watched many TV shows and/or movies.

And as much as I enjoy my solitude, (See last week's Sunday Share), sometimes too much is a bad thing. Sometimes so much alone time can cause you to thrive on your Fears.

And since my blog is supposed to be cathartic for me, I'm going to share with you what my Fear is. But I warn you that you may laugh:

I fear the doorbell.

Yup. I fear the doorbell getting rung.

But why, you may ask? Because the doorbell being rung might indicate that my husband has gotten killed in Afghanistan. If the doorbell rings, there's a chance that a Casualty Notification Officer stand on the other side... waiting to bear the bad news.

I know, depressing right? I'm not even sure I should tell you that I jump anytime I hear a car door shut nearby. That I run to the bedroom window or look out the peep hole if I think someone has pulled up near my house. My mind has convinced me that if, God forbid, that were to be the case, and a Casualty Notification Officer does come to my house, that by me seeing them walk up to the door, will be less devastating than hearing the doorbell ring without any prior knowledge.  (Please, don't judge me!)

And my doorbell got rung yesterday. And I nearly lost my heart through the ends of my toes. I wasn't expecting anyone. I don't know my neighbors. I didn't order pizza. So who is ringing my doorbell?

I literally RAN to the door because I couldn't bear the anticipation for another millisecond.

Thankfully, it was just my neighbor asking if I had any jumper cables. And while I was outside searching through my trunk for the cables, I was literally shaking. Arms. Hands. Knees. Legs. Shaking like it was below freezing out. I wonder if he noticed...

So there you have it. You know my current Fear. And honestly, it's the only Fear I have at this moment in my life. I Fear or worry about nothing else. I can handle a lot of adversity. I can overcome many obstacles. I consider myself a strong person... a strong Army Wife. But we all have our weaknesses...

... and I cannot get over my damn Fear of the doorbell.

Until tonight. Well, sorta.  

I had just come inside after relaxing for a few hours on the patio with a new book. I got some much needed sun. And although relaxing, I just couldn't seem to feel really good or right today. I really wanted to hear from Drew. He always recharges me and rebuilds my confidence.

So, I was thumbing through the guide on TV when I saw that on the OWN channel, Oprah had a Lifeclass on Fears, with Tony Robbins.

And, as usual, the right messages and lessons enter my Life just as I needed them. I decided to pull out my laptop and jot down some notes as I watched.

Everyone had their story. We all have our stories. We all have something we can't overcome. Whether it be a failure, a tragedy, or a fear. Tony Robbins helps people Walk on Fire-- literally and metaphorically. And I could sit here and type for hours, making this entry a lot longer than it already is. But I won't. I wanted to share just a few highlights that I thought would be beneficial for all:

• We all have a Story. We all have a State of Mind about that Story (i.e. Fear). But what a lot of us are missing is our Strategy. How do we plan to overcome it? What actions are we taking to change our State of Mind about our Story? Because, the Story will always be there. But we can all change our State of Mind to be a positive one.
• Fear is a physical emotion. But so is Courage. And so is Energy.
• Massive motion can overcome any (negative) emotion. Get moving. Literally. Physical movement can do a lot for your emotional well being.
• Everyone's life is a warning or an example. But you must live your life to overcome any adversity or fears. Learn from it. And move on.
• Turn your Fear into Power. It has the same intensity. It's just a matter of perception. And action.

It truly opened my eyes. I'm not naive enough to think that I won't have my Fears, but I recognized that there are methods and techniques to overcome them and turn them into positive energy.

And while I pride myself in staying busy and active, I know there's always something more I can add to my life. And I did find something new tonight that I plan to try. And do... Everyday. But I'm going to keep you guessing about what it is. I've already put myself out there enough tonight. And while my Fear isn't so personal anymore, I think my journey to overcome it should be. :)

I know this post has all kinds of back stories and ramblings, but I hope it helps each of you realize that it's OK (and natural) to be Fearful... but it's even better to be Powerful.

And lastly, I want to end with another great quote from Joel Osteen on this Sunday evening:

Trouble is inevitable, but misery is optional.

Oh, Starry Night...

I wasn't planning on blogging tonight as I haven't felt 100% the last few days. But a little pizza delivery and a lot of couch time has cured me for the time being.

I discovered that today is National Day of Hope, and I figured it was a blog must. Who doesn't love/want/need/feel "hope"?! But tonight, my post will be short. Sweet. And to the point. After all, if my brain were turned into a pie chart from the past 2 days, it would be 35% caffeine; 10% Sudaphed; 10% Claritin; and 45% Advil. Such substances aren't really conducive with creative blogging capabilities.

Anyways, let's get to the point:

The very first thing that came to my pie chart mind when pondering "What do I Hope for" took me back to the night of our "See Ya Later."

Drew and I were standing face to face, holding hands... outside in the dark night. Our last 60 seconds together. I guess the lights that stand outside the troop area created that perfect ambiance. (Not!) But whatever it was, Drew smiled and looked at me and said, "Your eyes look really pretty and sparkly right now."

And I said, "So do yours..."

So, you ask, "What do I hope for?"

I simply hope to see those sparkly eyes. And that smile. Again... Soon.  

“Hope itself is like a star- not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. ” ― Charles H. Spurgeon



Sunday Share: 4/1/12

If you would have told me 5 years ago that I'd soon meet, fall in love with, and marry an Enlisted Soldier in the Army... I would have laughed in your face.

I've always been a planner. Very much Type A, as much as I'd like to pretend I'm somewhat Type B. And the above mentioned "plan" wasn't how I had my Life mapped out.

But as much as I'm a realist, I'm also superstitious. I believe in Fate. And I believe in Destiny. And now that my life has taken a different turn than I would have imagined, I can truly look back and confidently state the following:

I was put on this Earth to be an Army Wife.

And I actually got a lump in my throat and a few tears in my eyes as I typed that... because it couldn't be more true. And I couldn't be more proud.

A few hours ago, I started reading The Lucky One, by Nicholas Sparks. I figured it was a must read since the movie is coming out in a few weeks. Of course, I felt an immediate connection to the book, with its military ties, the love story, and the themes of Luck and Destiny. And now that I'm already 75% finished with it, I thought I'd take a break and blog my Sunday Share for the week.

And although I've already mentioned Destiny twice in my post, this week's theme isn't about that.

It's about Solitude.

And as much of a social butterfly that I am, I've always been a loner... too. I've never been afraid to be alone, and a lot of the times, I actually enjoy it and prefer it. I just realized that it's been nearly 12 hours since I've had any noise in my house. Besides catching the news headlines on the TV this morning, I haven't had my TV or any music on the whole day.

But to me, I'm never alone. As much as I miss Drew when I have downtime like this, I can always rely on the company of my pets. I can always count on my Dad calling me at some point on a Sunday afternoon. I know to expect text messages from my mom, my sisters, and multiple friends throughout the day. I can always expect an email or a Facebook update on my phone.

So I stay connected to the world no doubt, but there's something powerful about being alone. I love getting lost in my thoughts. I love hearing nothing right now except the clicking of my fingers on the keyboard. And naturally, it's always in my moments of Solitude when the light bulb goes off... and my Life inspires me to write. 

Very early this morning, I had no (conscious) knowledge of what I would write about today. With my cup of coffee in hand, I walked out the backyard and into the field that lies right behind our house. The dogs were leash-less as always, and as Riley chased squirrels and Maddie padded around the grass, I found myself with a huge smile on my face. I stopped walking and really took a moment to soak it all in. And I thought to myself, "why is this moment making me so happy?" And I soon realized it was because of the serenity and quietness of the moment. No one else was around; no cars; no kids; nothing. All I could hear were the birds in the distance.

And at the time, I didn't realize the connection. But now, when I reflect back, I realize my happiness existed in my Solitude.

And fast forward many hours, after spending an entire day in Solitude, and having a moment of weakness from missing Drew... I realized:

It's going to be OK. I was made for this.

I have no idea why I like to be alone. I was raised in a close-knit family, always surrounded by lots of loving people. I've had many great friends in my life.

So, the only logical(?) explanation is that:

Being an Army Wife was my Destiny.

Because not everyone is cut out for the task. Not everyone can handle the stress and the fact that you'll spend many years... alone.

But I can't leave this Sunday Share without the Share piece. I need to provide you with something on which to reflect.

So a simple Google search on "The Importance of Solitude" provided me with a rather spot-on article on Livestrong.com.  And while I invite you to read the whole article, I want to leave you with the importance difference of:

Solitude vs. Loneliness

"There is a world of difference between solitude and loneliness," says Hara Estroff Marano, editor in chief of Psychology Today magazine. Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation and longing, and may be experienced even at a crowded disco. Solitude is aloneness without loneliness. Solitude can be used for reflection, inner growth or valuable activities such as reading that cannot be done effectively in a group setting. People who experience solitude are therefore engaged, not isolated--they are engaged with themselves, or perhaps with a long-dead author

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/180331-importance-of-solitude/#ixzz1qppL08D6

So, finally... I encourage you to take at least an hour a week to experience Solitude. It may strengthen the relationships you have; it might ease stress; and it might make you feel better (or differently) about what lies ahead in this crazy game we call Life.

Bottle Full of Sunshine

I finally stocked up on a few bottles of wine today. It's been one of those weeks where I've needed them but had none in the house. Can you believe it!?! I know... how blasphemous of me!!! My good friend, Stacy, reminded me of my negligence almost like it should be the 11th Commandment:

Thou shall always keep wine in thou house.  

But anyways, this post isn't necessarily about my lushly ways. But all this talk about wine did remind me of the common saying:

Wine gets better with age.

Then I thought... "And so do I."

Yesterday, I noticed that it marked 30 days before my next birthday. 30 days before I celebrate the last year in my 20s. Wow.

Time sure does fly when you're having fun. And working hard. And living life... to its fullest. I've spent a lot of time this week thinking back to the beginning of my 20s decade. I'll spare you all the details of how much fun I had in college; how many friends I've made... and sadly, how many friends I've lost. I never thought a person could change as much as I have in the last 10 years. I'm the first to admit that I thought I knew it all at 21. And at 25. But boy, was I wrong!!! And for those of you who know me well, being wrong is not something I admit a lot. :)

I will always remember one of my female bosses that I had in my early 20s. She told me that "as a woman, you won't truly discover who you really are until you're 27." And she couldn't have been more right. Sure, the age of 27 might fluctuate a year or two, depending on the person, but I didn't truly know myself until about then. I found myself. And I found love. True love. And I found a new life I would have never imagined I'd live. And I found new friends. Different friends. A sisterhood. And I found new challenges. New highs. And new lows.

But through it all, I've never felt more:

Confident. Proud. Aware. Full of life.

And I can't wait to see what the next decade holds. Even if it involves more and more people calling me "ma'am." 

Then strangely enough... I opened my Positive Quotes for Every Day book, only to find this entry today:

Life Improves with Age
I feel like an ostrich who has finally pulled its head out of the sand and loves what it sees... I love getting older; things get easier every day." ~ Jane Powell

We've all got to believe that.

And if you don't, and you're having a tough time in life... try hard to envision that it can and will get better.

And then drink a bottle of wine. That always helps too. 

God is Great, Beer is Good, and People are Really, Really, REALLY Crazy

Is it just me, or do people seems to be losing their minds more and more every day? For lack of proper scientific terms... people are BAT CRAZY! I found inspiration to write tonight after watching the video of the Jet Blue pilot losing his marbles on a plane.

I watch, read, and listen to the news multiple times a day, and Life just doesn't seem to be as simple; as enjoyable; as "normal" as it were in the "past."

But, I totally feel like an outsider looking in-- watching the circus from outside the big top. Maybe from the parking lot. Hell, maybe from across town.

I feel strong, level-headed, and a lot more normal than all the crazies walking the Earth. And I honestly think I owe a lot of my (somewhat) stoicism to the One Percent.

Let's have a lesson:

The Stoics provided a unified account of the world, consisting of formal logic, non-dualistic physics and naturalistic ethics. Of these, they emphasized ethics as the main focus of human knowledge, though their logical theories were of more interest for later philosophers.
Stoicism teaches the development of self-control and fortitude as a means of overcoming destructive emotions; the philosophy holds that becoming a clear and unbiased thinker allows one to understand the universal reason (logos). A primary aspect of Stoicism involves improving the individual’s ethical and moral well-being: "Virtue consists in a will that is in agreement with Nature."^[6] This principle also applies to the realm of interpersonal relationships; "to be free from anger, envy, and jealousy,"^[7] and to accept even slaves as "equals of other men, because all men alike are products of nature."^[8]
The Stoic ethic espouses a deterministic perspective; in regards to those who lack Stoic virtue, Cleanthes once opined that the wicked man is "like a dog tied to a cart, and compelled to go wherever it goes."^[6] A Stoic of virtue, by contrast, would amend his will to suit the world and remain, in the words of Epictetus, "sick and yet happy, in peril and yet happy, dying and yet happy, in exile and happy, in disgrace and happy,"^[7] thus positing a "completely autonomous" individual will, and at the same time a universe that is "a rigidly deterministic single whole."

Thanks, Wiki. Well said, and let's hope, 100% credible.

But anyways, the whole point of this entry is for all of us to remember that "it could be worse." We all have the days where we throw ourselves a huge pity party. We all have the days where we want to pull our hair out, slap a co-worker, and move to a deserted island. (i.e. ME, today.) But really, how bad do we really have it compared to others?

And if you're feeling sorry for yourself, turn on the news. Put yourself in someone else's shoes who is less fortunate (or more crazy!) than you are. 

Try to keep a level head... no matter what. Be virtuous. Be the better person.

Because I think we've hit our CrAzY benchmark for a while.

Sunday Share: 3/25/12

I didn't have to look far to find my Sunday Share for today. A friend gave me a nice gift the week after Drew deployed. It's called Positive Quotes for Every Day. And that is exactly how I start my day each morning.

It's a collection of the greatest words from some of the world's most thoughtful, creative people.

And after a wonderful day with some great Army Wives, I thought I wouldn't have the energy (again!) to write my Sunday blog.

But then I remembered back to what I read this morning, and I thought it was too perfect...and too easy not to share.  

Every single person at the Baby Shower today has a loved one deployed. Everyone had to experience the same heartache of saying goodbye, and she carries on each day with the same worry and concerns. Lots of negative emotions, right? 

Yet, we spent the entire day together laughing and experiencing joy... despite our circumstances. Something in which I take pride-- something that few others will experience like the One Percent.

So, without further ado, I present you with today's Sunday Share:

March 25
A Joyful Outlook
"On with the dance, let the joy be unconfined!" is my motto, whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfine." ~ Mark Twain

Today I will keep smiling, no matter what. A positive outlook is good for my health and well-being, and you never know when something wonderful is just around the corner.

Friends Are Toriffic!

In the military life, you make friends quickly... and you "lose" them even quicker. But even if  when they leave in the physical sense, there is a lasting bond that will live on.

In my year and a half of living the Real Housewives of Ft. Bragg (Bravo Network- you need to come see for yourselves!), I've met some of the most amazing ladies. But, I'm sorry Miss Jackson: our friendships won't be the type in which we live on the same block forever. And ever. Forever ever!

People leave. A lot.

And it sucks.

But our bonds, no matter how short-lived in the physical sense, seem to create some of the strongest friendships I've ever had. Exclusive to the One Percent.

So, I'd like to share an excerpt from the book The Prophet about this very exact thing:

When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

So, this one's for you, Tori. Best of luck to you out West! I can't wait to see those beautiful mountains as interpreted through your art.

And I know that whether you're near or far, we'll still be making our climb together.  

Sunday Share: A Day Late

Yup. It happened only a few weeks into my blogging responsibility. The unpredictable events in Life prohibited me from having the energy or will power to blog my Sunday Share yesterday.


But it's never too late to get after it.


So I figured I'd share today what I was thinking yesterday.


But first, let's talk about rollercoasters.


I've never been a huge fan. But I've never been against them either. I've had my share of fun frequenting Six Flags or Universal Studios over the years.


What does intrigue me about rollercoasters is the mixed emotions that one can experience in a short amount of time:


Fear. Exhilaration. Excitement. Anxiety. Stress.


Eustress in particular.

Stress that is deemed healthful or giving one the feeling of fulfilment. Ever since learning about Eustress at some point during my schooling, I've loved to organize Life's stressors into eustress or distress categories. And I am one of those crazy people that love the rush from procrastinating on a huge project; love the nervous-stomach-feeling when having to present in front of large groups of people; love the exhilaration from jumping out of an airplane. But, do you know what all of the above have in common? I have control over those situations; I am able to somewhat control the stressor and very much so control the way I react to them. What I loathe to the utmost degree in life is distress. (great pain, anxiety, or sorrow; acute physical or mental suffering; affliction; trouble.) Things I cannot control. Things I cannot prevent. Maintain. Or fix. And yesterday, my friends, I was in major distress. I, of course, will spare major specifics, but if you know me well, then you already know the 3 bouts of bad news that I received in a very short amount of time last night. All things I can't... and will never... control. And although I maintained a stoic composure most of the evening, I was a mess inside. And when I was driving home after a dear friend's going away dinner,  I shed my first tears, since Drew left 3 weeks ago. I know they're expected. As I mentioned in my inaugural post: I'll have good days and bad days. Days of strength and days of weakness. But, on a positive note... right at my very moment of weakness, I heard the most appropriate song on the radio: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger Stand a little taller Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone What doesn't kill you makes a fighter Footsteps even lighter Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone Damn, Ms. Clarkson... you're right. And thank you for the reminder!!! Worry about the things you can control; forget about the things you can't. Bottom line. Keep living your Life. Be strong. Fight. Have hope. Sure, it's a given your Life will be like a Rollercoster. There will be ups and downs; moments of anticipation and fear; moments you're high and moments you're low. The choice is yours whether or not you take the front seat, buckle up, and open your eyes. But regardless... all of us are in for one hell of a ride.

It's All About the Benjamins, Baby?

Most of us work hard. Most of us are used, abused, and underappreciated in the workplace in some way or another. Although, all of us want a pay raise, I'm sure only a few of us actually deserve it.

I just wrapped up a 12 day work-streak, and although I'm exhausted to the point where my fingers don't want to type these letters, I truly believe it could be worse.

But this isn't about me.

For those of us who have had a spouse deploy in the last month, we've seen our first "deployment paycheck" this week. I've never really understood why people claim they "make so much money" during the deployment. Civilians who assume deployment earnings are "good" earnings would probably be shocked at how diminutive they truly are.

Sure, your paychecks are bigger. Of course, your earnings are tax free. Yes, they get a minuscule (now pro-rated) Hazardous Duty Pay. Yeah, there is Family Separation Pay.

But think about it...

... What is the true Return on Investment?

The military invest more than any of us would for some extra chump change.

Long time periods away from their family. Missing their baby's first words. Or first steps. Missing holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries alike. Missing St. Patty's Day Weekend with friends. Missing happy moments and sad moments. Missing milestone after milestone... I could go on and on, but I won't.

And, for what return?

I guess I went through 6 years of business school so I could relate a deployment to a financial equation. But it's simple math, people. Is the return really worth the investment?

Yeah, I know Soldiers "signed up for this." It was their choice to enter the Military. And don't get me wrong: I'm an advocate. Spokesperson. Supporter of the Military and the great benefits it entails. I'm part of the proud Brotherhood that the Soldiers and Families share.

And it wasn't even the paycheck that I deemed as a "blog worthy" topic. It was an article I stumbled across tonight while click.click.clicking around:

10 Insanely Overpaid Public Employees

Strangely enough, several of the people that made the list work in a prison.

Uhm, what? You're telling me that some of the top paid people in this country make their earnings off housing our criminals?!?

That's what motivated me to write tonight. We reward the most asinine behaviors and industries in this country. I'll never understand why athletes, movie stars, reality TV "stars," and now... a Prison Dentist... can make so much money, while our Soldiers (and teachers, social workers, etc) don't make $h*t.

This realization really put things into perspective for me.

No matter how bad of a day we've had at work; no matter how small we think our paychecks are...

... The Grass (and someone else's money) is Always Greener.  :)

On the Mend

After I ripped a major hole in my pants yesterday, I did some thinking. Besides some missing fabric from my backside, I realized I missing something (or someone) else. You may be wondering how I can make a connection between missing some fabric and how missing my other half are related.

Well, let's start here:

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (Duh. My apologies for sounding so trite.)

But absence also makes you realize how much you rely and count on someone else... a true partner in Life.

I'll probably go buy a new pair of pants instead of spending 5 minutes to sew mine. But why, you may ask?

Well, because Drew's not here to sew them! He's also not here to make the bed flawlessly every day. And take the dogs out when I'm too lazy to get off the couch. Or vacuum every Saturday. Or help me carry the groceries inside.

It's the little things that he does for me that make me miss him even more each day.

So, the lesson here is that we ALL need to learn to be completely independent and do for ourselves in the absence of our loved ones AND appreciate who and what we have. Not just military wives. So get after it: Give yourself some goals and work towards them.

For me... Well, I guess I need to learn how to sew.

Or... I may just wait for Drew to get home. Because at that time, he can mend my ripped pants... AND mend the half of my heart that had been missing. :)

Sunday Share: 3/11/12

Ahhh, Life.

Often times, Life gets in the way of Living.

For example: I have all intentions to write my blog more than once a week, with plenty to share, but Life has gotten in the way.

What else is new?

Drew has been gone 15 days today, and I've lived the Golden Rule of the Deployment Life to its fullest:

Stay Busy.

Between work, extra-curricular work, volunteer work, working out, and workin' it! with my girls, Life is pretty jam-packed. But the fact that all of my activities listed include Work is completely intentional.

No matter what we all do, day in and day out, it involves effort, commitment, and... work. Whether it's to make a living, make a difference, or make memories, Life eats up a lot of time.

After my whine session on Friday, which resulted after I couldn't do something that I wanted to do with my time, I started to think about my priorities in Life.

And after a lot of your input, I remembered the importance of saying "NO."

After this light bulb went off, I remembered an excerpt I read a few years ago in Robin Mead's Book: Morning Sunshine! How to Radiate Confidence and Feel It Too! So, the scholar that I am (or pretend to be) dug out the book and looked back at what she had to say.

A few of you already know that I've got a major Girl Crush on Robin Meade. So anything that she may say, I'd probably believe with admiration. But I truly thought that this "lesson" hit close to home:

Do you allow yourself to be a doormat? Why is it that we feel the need to qualify the word no? Think about it. When someone asks you to head up the silent auction committee for the school fundraiser on behalf of the PTO, you might answer yes. Period. "Yes" is your complete answer. It needs no "because x, y, or z." But when you have to decline, most of us feel we have to give an excuse. I got it! I'll tell 'em my Aunt LuLu just got out of the hospital after gastric bypass surgery, and it's my turn to watch her lose weight!

Then we spend precious time fretting over how the excuse, lame or not, will be received.

My co-anchor on the Monday-through-Friday morning shift in Chicago used to say, "Robin, 'NO' is a complete sentence. You just need to say no." Here's why he would tell me that: I was honored to get numerous requests for public appearances around town. Everybody from big organizations to little neighborhood clubs would ask, "Could you emcee our event this Friday night?" or "Could you do the starting lineup for our little run on Saturday morning?" And I always said yes. I wanted to be liked, and I didn't value my own needs enough to say no.

As a result, I would be booked from Friday night to Sunday afternoon and never truly think about the impact on my marriage or my energy level. I couldn't say no to viewers, and I couldn't say no to people in the newsroom.

In other words, I didn't have the confidence it took to say no.

###

My girlfriend, Robin, hit the nail on the head. We all need to remember to muster up the strength to say "NO." I've decided to commit at least one night a week to just ME. No phone calls to family or friends; no Facebook; no work or after-work commitments. So whether I want to catch up on episodes of Downton Abbey, or down a bottle of wine after finding some excuse to avoid the gym... I will.

I encourage you to do the same.

And, lastly, I apologize that my blog entries have been few and far between.

But, you know.. I had to say NO to something. :)

Sunday Share: 3/4/12

We all need a good kick in the pants every once in a while to get motivated. Well, today has been one of those days where I tell myself, "Ok, get off the couch at noon and get on the treadmill." Well, more than 5 hours later, here I am...

...Still on the couch.

I'd figure I could find some motivation and productivity in writing my Sunday Share for the week.

And quite a week it has been. It's amazing how many ups and downs can exist in a person's life in a week's time. Throw a deployment in the mix, and a life can reach new highs and lows that most cannot imagine.

I don't plan to go in every detail of the goods and bads of the week, but I wanted to share some morsels (morsels.. I love that word!) of wisdom that I found and deemed worthy enough of sharing.

The inspirational blog entry can be found on Meant to be Happy, which was named the "Winner of the Best Personal Development Blog" of 2011.

The appropriate entry title, "Faith Moves Mountains. Doubt Creates Them," was like a slap in the face. Doubt and worry filled my thoughts this week.

But Faith eased them.

I've had a wave of support come in from all walks of life this week, and every person had Faith that Drew would make it home safe and sound at the end of his deployment.  

So, while I accept and admit that Doubt will try to enter my thoughts regularly, I know that Faith will show Her face and save me from any lasting, negative consequences.

And if I weren't motivated enough by this discovery, that damn Martin Luther King Jr. had to leave me with this:

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.

I think he's trying to hint at something with his "steps" and "staircases."

Ok, MLK... you win.

Off to the treadmill I go....