I've had yet another reflective, mind-stimulating Sunday. I've started to notice a trend:
Sundays seem to be the day I miss Drew the most. I'm not sure if it's just the normal "Sunday Blues" amplified or the fact that I find myself lost in my Solitude-- being more reflective on Sundays.
Well, whatever the reason, I've come to find out that the metaphor of "Life is a rollercoaster ride" seems to prove true all week, with the grand finale taking place on Sundays.
So let's start at the beginning, in order to give the best insight of how and why I'm here tonight:
I woke up late today, thanks to some night-time cold medicine. I was groggy, hazy, and rather congested... which aggravated me. My very first, instinctual action every morning is to look at my phone to see if Drew has e-mailed/Facebooked/or called while I was sleeping.
My phone showed nothing. Not even the daily Groupon email. (My half off hydro-massage offer came just a few moments later, though.)
Anyways, after a quick check of my daily websites and a browse of my Facebook newsfeed, (which lacked any "activity" from all our Soldiers), I came to my conclusion, which is only a "hunch," but has deemed to be true most days:
Damn it. They're on another Blackout.
Those in the Ninety-Nine Percent might be wondering: What is a Blackout?
Well, a Blackout is when the Soldiers aren't allowed to communicate with anyone. No emails. No phone calls. No Facebook. It means someone has been injured or killed and communication is banned until the Next of Kin is notified of those affected.
And this deployment has already been a nightmare. It feels like we go only a few days before another Blackout is activated. And while Drew and I have a very, VERY strict "Don't Ask; Don't Tell" relationship about deployments, I'm not dumb. I'm observant and can figure it out. They're seeing a lot of action. They're involved in a lot of dangerous missions. It definitely ain't a walk in the park.
And I'm not divulging this information to have people worry. Or feel sorry for me. I'm just trying to set-up tonight's theme for the Sunday Share. So, without further ado....
What is your Fear?
And how do you overcome it?
But you know me, I must provide a little more back story before diving in any deeper. Of how and why I came to theme tonight's post about Fear. And how to overcome it.
So, as we've already stated: It's Easter. A holiday in which we spend with friends and family. I definitely had my fair share of Solitude this weekend. I didn't even leave Fort Bragg. I didn't interact with anyone in person except for at the gym or in the grocery store. Major Solitude. Hell, who am I kidding. I was down right lonely this weekend. But I did everything possible to keep myself busy: Cooked, shopped, worked out, cleaned, read many books, watched many TV shows and/or movies.
And as much as I enjoy my solitude, (See last week's Sunday Share), sometimes too much is a bad thing. Sometimes so much alone time can cause you to thrive on your Fears.
And since my blog is supposed to be cathartic for me, I'm going to share with you what my Fear is. But I warn you that you may laugh:
I fear the doorbell.
Yup. I fear the doorbell getting rung.
But why, you may ask? Because the doorbell being rung might indicate that my husband has gotten killed in Afghanistan. If the doorbell rings, there's a chance that a Casualty Notification Officer stand on the other side... waiting to bear the bad news.
I know, depressing right? I'm not even sure I should tell you that I jump anytime I hear a car door shut nearby. That I run to the bedroom window or look out the peep hole if I think someone has pulled up near my house. My mind has convinced me that if, God forbid, that were to be the case, and a Casualty Notification Officer does come to my house, that by me seeing them walk up to the door, will be less devastating than hearing the doorbell ring without any prior knowledge. (Please, don't judge me!)
And my doorbell got rung yesterday. And I nearly lost my heart through the ends of my toes. I wasn't expecting anyone. I don't know my neighbors. I didn't order pizza. So who is ringing my doorbell?
I literally RAN to the door because I couldn't bear the anticipation for another millisecond.
Thankfully, it was just my neighbor asking if I had any jumper cables. And while I was outside searching through my trunk for the cables, I was literally shaking. Arms. Hands. Knees. Legs. Shaking like it was below freezing out. I wonder if he noticed...
So there you have it. You know my current Fear. And honestly, it's the only Fear I have at this moment in my life. I Fear or worry about nothing else. I can handle a lot of adversity. I can overcome many obstacles. I consider myself a strong person... a strong Army Wife. But we all have our weaknesses...
... and I cannot get over my damn Fear of the doorbell.
Until tonight. Well, sorta.
I had just come inside after relaxing for a few hours on the patio with a new book. I got some much needed sun. And although relaxing, I just couldn't seem to feel really good or right today. I really wanted to hear from Drew. He always recharges me and rebuilds my confidence.
So, I was thumbing through the guide on TV when I saw that on the OWN channel, Oprah had a Lifeclass on Fears, with Tony Robbins.
And, as usual, the right messages and lessons enter my Life just as I needed them. I decided to pull out my laptop and jot down some notes as I watched.
Everyone had their story. We all have our stories. We all have something we can't overcome. Whether it be a failure, a tragedy, or a fear. Tony Robbins helps people Walk on Fire-- literally and metaphorically. And I could sit here and type for hours, making this entry a lot longer than it already is. But I won't. I wanted to share just a few highlights that I thought would be beneficial for all:
- We all have a Story. We all have a State of Mind about that Story (i.e. Fear). But what a lot of us are missing is our Strategy. How do we plan to overcome it? What actions are we taking to change our State of Mind about our Story? Because, the Story will always be there. But we can all change our State of Mind to be a positive one.
- Fear is a physical emotion. But so is Courage. And so is Energy.
- Massive motion can overcome any (negative) emotion. Get moving. Literally. Physical movement can do a lot for your emotional well being.
- Everyone's life is a warning or an example. But you must live your life to overcome any adversity or fears. Learn from it. And move on.
- Turn your Fear into Power. It has the same intensity. It's just a matter of perception. And action.
And while I pride myself in staying busy and active, I know there's always something more I can add to my life. And I did find something new tonight that I plan to try. And do... Everyday. But I'm going to keep you guessing about what it is. I've already put myself out there enough tonight. And while my Fear isn't so personal anymore, I think my journey to overcome it should be. :)
I know this post has all kinds of back stories and ramblings, but I hope it helps each of you realize that it's OK (and natural) to be Fearful... but it's even better to be Powerful.
And lastly, I want to end with another great quote from Joel Osteen on this Sunday evening:
Trouble is inevitable, but misery is optional.